Although most of my blog posts are about beauty and makeup related things I’ve shared quite the personal blog post from time to time with you guys. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been good at talking about my feeling and thoughts, but writing them down has always helped me and is almost like a coping strategy for me. So if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may or may not remember that I was seriously ill around this time last year. I’ve never been one of those people, who share everything on their blog but I’ve written a few very personal posts about my experience and how much I was struggling in my life afterwards.
It’s now been an entire year as it all started August 25th, 2014. That day pretty much changed my entire life in a not so great way. Even just typing it out still feels weird to me and it is almost as scary as saying it out loud because it is the day I nearly died. I still remember how I woke up at home alone and my heart was racing like I had just ran a marathon. I remember going downstairs to get a glass of water and the one moment I’ll never forget is how I barely made it into my room before pretty much collapsing to the floor. I genuinely believed that I was going to suffocate. I couldn’t breathe. I just thought that was it for me.
After that day I had to live through the two scariest weeks of my entire life. I was in ICU for an entire week hooked up to a bunch of machines surrounded by people in a coma. I wasn’t allowed to do anything, not even get up and not knowing whether I’d ever be able to leave that hospital again was keeping me up at night. The doctors said it was a miracle that I survived and even more that I got away without any permanent damage but I could go back to living my life the way I did before.
People seem to think that once you leave the hospital and are physically fine you’re fine. No one prepares you for what you’re mind is gonna go through. When I got to go home everyone was so happy to see me having fully recovered physically but no one could see what was going on inside of me. I kind of blogged about it before how I couldn’t be happy that I was still alive and breathing. One day I was watching TV and I saw this report about a young girl who had suffered from the exact same thing as me only that she wasn’t so lucky. She’s now completely paralyzed and can’t even speak, trapped in her own body. Seeing that just made me wonder how on earth I’d gotten so lucky? Why me? I felt so incredibly guilty for not being happy and grateful about being healthy after seeing what could’ve happened to me.
For months I just kind of stayed in my room and spend time all by myself pushing away my friends and family. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone and I didn’t want to do anything. I had no motivation and I just didn’t care about anything. I wasn’t depressed or sad I just didn’t feel anything: no anger, no sadness, no joy just nothing. There was this emptiness inside of me and it was like I was digging up this hole to hide in from the rest of the world shutting everyone else out of my life. At one point my parents got so worried they made me go see a counsellor and it was the best thing I could’ve done because my counsellor could make me understand as to why I was feeling the way I was feeling and that it was a completely normal thing for someone who had experienced what I did. She really helped me to get my life back on track to to start living again instead of just being alive.
She told me that since August 25th was the scariest day out of all for me to go and celebrate it by doing something fun. She told me to try and see it as a new chance or second birthday instead of the day I somehow managed to escape death, so that’s what I tried to do. For some reason I’ve always loved the ocean. It’s so big it just makes all my worries and fears seem so little. My parents took the day off and went on a little road trip to the beach with me and my dog. We spent all day there and it was honestly one of the best days I’ve had this year.
I still can’t believe that it’s been a year now since everything happened but things are finally looking up for me. I’m finally able to feel happy again, I hang out with my friends again and I started working alongside my studies. I’m trying to keep myself busy and it’s working. That empty feeling is still sometimes creeping up on me but I won’t let it affect me as much. I’ve just accepted the fact that this experience is now a part of me. It happened and it can’t be undone but that’s okay. I’m not the carefree always happy person I used to be and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to that same person but I’ve accepted that and I’m okay with it. At least I’ve managed to go back to being someone who has dreams and plans for the future and I’ve learned from all of this. Health and happiness are two things that I now consider a luxury and don’t just take for granted. I don’t know if I’ll be completely over what happened but I now know how to live with it and how to keep myself from going back to that dark place I was in.
So why am I writing all of this? I think this post is more for myself than for anyone else because it is helping me cope and it’s part of my process of moving on but maybe someone who has gone through something similar reads this and can relate. If it just helps one person, apart from me obviously, then hey that’s great.
Much love, health and happiness,